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3:18 am, and I am done and have been for the past 40 min. I would be sleeping right now- EXCEPT my cat peed on my clean clothes that I was planning on taking >.

9:47 will cut out and start number 2... wish me luck, because my friend just called and told me he has to work tomorrow at 11am. That means I have to get out of here by 5 am...



Damn you MrD!!!! *hugs* I'll still visit, even though it ruins my tardy plans.

9:10 and 5 count them 5 re-threads of the surger due to crappy ass thread. And the dress has one more seam to do. Still hour and half for putting dress together and pressing it is not too shabby. Not my best but meh...



=/



I was hoping for 8:45 as I still have one more dress to do and I have to re-size it. FRRRAAAACCCCKKKK. *sigh* Such is life when you work too much and don't have enough time to do things you want to.



Good news about next dress it is cotton, not satin so that will help much.

How far off I am in my guess... 7:45 ready... set... GO!

He found me from all places in the yellow pages. It was difficult for me because there was that instant kind of connection. Hard because that hinders my ability when I have to hold myself close to not cross the professional boundaries; I must respect those.



The invitations come, and I hope they continue. But what chance is there when I professionally must wait a year and even then would be crossing boundaries while others have crossed, and to do so compromises me?



What I do is not as simple as here, here and here. When I work with someone it can exhaust me, as I follow a path that views giving of self to create the response. No this isn't bad, as if you view it from a Taoist point, the energy is all around to "recharge" me.



But when the spirit seeks solace, and company it is easy when it is a same sex, or person that there is not attraction to. This is the dangerous type. The ones that seem to be what I'm looking for- or has my need fooled me? Has my want clouded my vision?



More importantly will they withstand who I am? Or will my ways hinder them and cause them to eventually destroy what I've worked to build. Should I ever allow that type of connection, the one that if misused would destroy me? Healing, everyone thinks is a great thing- but few see the cost. Outcast for seeing too much, never really within touch because when I break it is complete. The strength that holds me destroys me.



Still I must endure and separate myself from those that would take it for themselves. I am neither my master or servant, I must be beyond those. So for now my answer is not to answer, perhaps another time when I can think clearly.

Yesterday was one of the days that I became very glad I am a fabric hound. When I moved I moved with over 200 yards of fabric... and I still have about 1000 more to move *cough, cough* and yes I've bought more since I moved here. O.o



Back to my story. I have a pattern, one that I have wanted to make for years as I think it would be pretty for going out. Now my entire wardrobe consists of: Work clothes, working out clothes and a few "hanging out" clothes but no "going out" clothes. I can do very dressy, but not "I'm going to the bar" dressy. Actually it's been since 1999 that I haven't had these clothes (that's the year the rx I was on caused me to gain 25lbs that I can't seem to shake no matter what I do).



So in preparation of NOLA several dresses are in the process of being made. Ones I can work in, go out in and just have a great time in. Some of them I have had the fabric and pattern for over 6 years. Well I went to cut out my dress for club night, only to find I'm 1/2 yard short. O.o



Not a "oh lay it out differently and it will work"... it was the "keep trying lady we will laugh at your anguish more and more" type of not enough fabric. After of 30 min of trying *I do not give up easily*. I went down stairs and considered what I want to do. Do I make it in a different fabric *but but but I want the metallic!!!* or do I change my ball gown into the club dress and then use the beautiful taffeta I have for the ball gown?! hmmm



In the while I resumed my sewing. At one break I put my shelf that fell back up. In putting the other fabric away, I saw a muttled glint... pulled it out... did a body measurement of the amount... Ran up stairs and YAY there was just enough for my dress :D Plus it is more of what I originally wanted for this pattern! *whew*



Best part, this will be the fastest one of all as it will only take me an hour to put together start to last hem *if that, I actually think it will take me 20 min, but when I say that typically I make some icky mistake then have to tear it out and repress.



The dress is not 100% cotton now, but it is still going to be very pretty with my new corset which fits like a glove.



I haven't had this much fun in quite some time, and I have to say I'm loving actually having the chance to make things again. Cheers to all I will meet in NOLA and the stories we share prior, during and after the events!

Today was wonderful! The two hats I've been lusting after for the past several months were on sale. A serious sale, as I got them both for less than 1/2 the price of one of them. Second I found a corset that I can wear.



Sometimes it is the simple things that I cherish, like retail therapy that does not hurt my wallet.











I know a tank isn't really in the right "style" for these, but I just had to share :)

So by posting this I'm spoiling probably one of the more brilliant VR names that matches the person's attitude. Funniest part, I bet that 99% of VR misses this or still does not get the irony of it.



SPOILER

ACK! There is so much to do I feel like I'm spinning... in a totally good way. My usual procrastination has hit, although I have cut out 80% of what I'm making for the meet up, now this weekend I will be a sewing fiend :)



It's the little bits of the trip that are difficult, meeting up with those I really want to hang out with, making sure the dogs are looked after, and my work is covered. Sadly I have to cancel a week of Stroller Fitness as I can't find someone to cover, and I do NOT want someone that is not qualified.



Such is life. Oh speaking of fitness, who's still game for the early/late walks? I need to know numbers as I have something *special* planned >:)



ooooooo am I the only one getting super excited? :D

Sleeping with douchebags causes insomnia and poor sleep.











That's all

Yet again the tide turns.



I've been asked to be head lightweight coach this fall.



O.o



How far does the rabbit hole go?!

Reduced down to just a thought and a memory, I pass you everyday. How do I seem? Am I annoyed that the bank just made a mistake, or in a rush to get the next bag of groceries to make it home? There is a story of how I got here, and who I am becoming.



Should I tell my story and share me? Will that make you think I am self-absorbed when I try to relate your story to mine? Can you see that in the greater scheme of this life I will become nothing more than words in the ether?



Do you have any idea at the fear that leaves me as silently the words disappear?

KCRC



Vampire Rave Acolyte



11:03:31

Jul 18 2008





Damn bitch!



I was typing a nicely worded snappy reply to Mr. "Fair rate" and you went and closed the thread.



DAMMN YOU FOR DOING YOUR JOB!!!!



***

Baby from my previous journal was born on July 16th with a full head of lucious brown hair!

Today was one of those days where I wish that I had gone into standard medicine. While I know it has failings, I also know this is one area where it shines.



Today I was doing an induction session on a co-worker who was 2 days over due. Treatment went really well, to the extent I had her stand and then she looked at me funny.



"You ok?"



"I think my water just broke."



O.o



It did.



Now first off, let me say what Acupuncture will and will not do. It will assist the mother into a less painful and traumatic labor. It can also help encourage the baby's position and over all process. It can help the mother feel more energetic and ready *relaxed* about giving birth.



It will not "force" labor. It will not stop bad things from happening.



I hate that I am left knowing that I did my best, and knowing that ideal situations were not occuring which lead to my co-worker to be transported to hospital. I hate knowing that it is nothing that I did, nor that there is anything I can do.



I HATE THAT HELPLESS FEELING.



People wonder why I still consider medical school. This is the reason why. When things like this occur, I do not want to stand by, I want to take action- DO SOMETHING.



Still I have to remember why.



Why I did not go to medical school. I blame myself for every mistake over and over again. Less than perfection is NOT ok with others. I could never be ok with the idea that I had a part in the demise of another person. Don't kid yourself, if you think this does not happen, it does.



One of my clients who is an MD once told me, "It's better that you make a mistake than someone else that is less able than you does." UGG. Hate, hate hate this part of medicine. I get what they are saying, do you best- but it is just not ok.



I am frustrated by this inablity to do anything, the feeling of helplessness is gut renching.

wooooooo



That would be my "offical" number. Although my lawyer said with new laws, there still could be a wait. Figures, that's how it always seems to be.

Have you ever been in that place? You know where everyday blends into the next? I'm having a hard time right now making me time as with my work and then my practise I feel like I'm at the office from 10-8 or 9pm each day. Sure I might have an hour to get lunch- but take out the 20min to drive back and forth and then actually make lunch that hour is quickly exhausted.



The days that I do the stroller fitness I'm out the door by 9 and more often than not I end up with a 12-hour day. I am not saying, "boohoo poor me", I'm just in wonderment about how I got here. In my figures this and next year will be the last years that I have to work this hard. Primarily until I "Land" here in Canada.



I meet with my lawyer today to go over my permanent residency papers, and it has me nervous. You know the feeling you get when the teacher calls you to the front of the class? Here's the thing, ANYtime a person tells me, "Oh I have to talk to you", those words equal instant anxiety and panic. Unless I am certain it's a joke.



It's my wanting to be the ever-elusive "perfect" that creates it. I've managed to not live as a perfectionist, but I can't seem to correct my response to that one phrase. Back to what's happening, so taking that into account, I'm anxious as heck to get my meeting done with the lawyer.



I don't know why it makes me this way, perhaps it's my fear of breaking the law. I am exceeding pedantic, so it's not ok for me to do. Yes, I can understand why others think this is lame, for me it is all about the letter of the law. Actually my old roommate who was a lawyer was the one that realized how pedantic I am... he thought it was funny. And then told me to never become a lawyer, because he thought that would just be too scary.



Egads I'm rambling today... so I have this appointment and then some clients tonight. Somehow I think my next goal is to make certain that I start making more me time. Everyday me time- and not just sitting in front of the TV while I eat.



It's been months since I've been creative and now I'm itching to do. Time to crawl out of the rut...

Carpets vaccumed and steam cleaned - check

Dishes done - check

Kitchen floor steamed - check

Basement floor steamed - check

Bathroom floors steamed - check

Bathrooms cleaned - check

Laundry - in progress

Fixing broken shelf in basement - in progress

Bedroom cleaned - check

Bedroom carpet vaccumed and steam cleaned - check

Web sites - next on list

Laundry for work - tomorrow

Sewing - When I can make time



O.o I suppose I can say today was a bit productive, still why is it the project I want to do must wait? It frustrates me to no end. To the extent I could see myself throwing a tantrum. However having a clean house does make me feel oodles better... I guess I'll just have to focus on that.

I have found the perfect humid hot day drink: one shot of gin with my homemade Lemon-Vanilla Ice Cream, mixed to smooth goodness.



Somehow I think this might be a bad thing >:)

I can feel the rhythm of strokes as the boat surges above the water. There is a peace in the catch the point where the water is broken and in an instant the blade hovers in-between. Neither active nor inactive, a breath before the power surges.



Propelling a pocket of air between the water and vessel, one bead of sweat tickles close to an eye. In moments I will have to blink the wet away while the salt burns my tender globe. Not to matter the burn of hands raw from the handle of wood with splinters from the fresh gashes cut to increase my grip will focus me back.



Raw pain through my muscles in their contractions as I try to increase the velocity till finally the finish is achieved. Release of the blade from the pool of turbulence, and a space where everything is nothing. Breath.



And then I am moving towards the catch again, only this time I know it is a vision. One that have not partaken of in years, still it haunts me daily. A grim irony to remember only one word will describe me now, taunt me in my sleep, cry me to the place where I cease being me...



Broken.

Havana Club rum... hmmmm I have much to do today... but a little rum won't stop that, will it?

Breeds in my gut causing it to churn and upset. Still there is something I need to remember:



It is not about me.



Too many times when others have taken an accusatory tone/comment towards me I have tried to find a way to correct it. Find that one small path that leads to mutual understanding and forgiveness.



What I have to remember is that I can only lead so far. They are the ones that have to:



1. Want to go down that path.

2. Actually drink the lesson.

3. Meet me part way in repairing the situation.



No one person can change this type of miscommunication, to try only leads to more hurt and annoyance.



For instance, I was reprimanded at work for not answering a question correctly, for attempting to "steal" a patient from another practioner. Yet when I looked in my work email, I could not find the sent letter. When I looked into my boss' email (that had been left open), I not only found the message; I found her response which was the one she felt to chew me out for.



It was hard to find that, and a relief at the same moment. See my boss choose to make it into something to divide us practioners. So when I was able to show the wronged practioner we were able to see a few things.



1. The client was not clear about what they really wanted- so our boss' response was correct.

2. That response did leave out one critical question.

3. Communication is the only way to solve these issues.

4. The entire situation was entirely out of my hands, until I was accused.



So many times I push and fight myself, to change something that had nothing to do with me. Too many times I've had sleepless nights trying to find where I could make a change, improve upon my actions.



I need to remember and honour me, by holding my boundaries and remembering especially here:



It is not all about me.

I have a hair... one TINY flipping itching hair on my eyeball... and for the life of me I can't remove it!!! ARGH!

What is the point?



I'm still mulling over this question from my trip. In many ways it has left me more detached to the world around me, while my work at a glance brings me attachment.



It's a game of tug of war where everything is at risk, and frankly I'm spirit tired and just don't know if this fight is worth it.



What is the point?

So my computer works again! YAY... I still have much to say about, well everything however I'm slow with processing and when I wanted to write this last week, my computer was putzing.



Tonight calls for a cool drink, and more R&R.



Over all I'm getting out of the phase of "I hate everyone" and back to my usual optomistic self. I guess that I can easily say that my response has been one of extremes. Processing it has not been easy, and has left me in an emotional funk.



Funny thing, after I got my computer working I typed in:



www.vampirerave.coma



Perhaps my subconscious is trying to say something to me :P

There is nothing worse than driving across town to get the one part you need for your computer.... only to find that the store closed early for the Holiday with nothing on their phone or web site about the change in hours.



=/



Looks like I'm a no go for my computer for at least another 2 days.